WHY CAN'T I FIND A GOOD BOOK?
It's getting harder and harder for me to finish reading a novel.
What happens is, I read a book's provocative blurb telling me that this MIND-PARALYZING BOOK FOR THE AGES will scare me out of my shorts or something, but then I find out after reading the first twenty pages that I don't care what happens to the hero; and I sure don't want to know why the elms are creaking. I toss it aside.
And I've given up paying attention to novels with blurbs that scream LOCK THE DOORS BEFORE YOU START READING THIS BODICE-RIPPING BLOCKBUSTER!
At the library I can spend half an hour at the racks reading blurbs about the latest literary sensations, hoping to find a novel written by a wise and wonderful author who will keep me up all night reading a SPRAWLING PAGE-TURNER in a breathless rush to the astounding conclusion.
But how often does the book deliver? Not very often to me.
Nowadays, publishers know that if they want to sell a book they've got to insert a blurb warning the reader to OPEN THIS MONSTER BESTSELLER IF YOU DARE!
Even how-to books on plumbing promise to GRAB YOU BY THE THROAT and drag you into a maze of international underground intrigue.
I won't even check out a library paperback whose blurb doesn't at least claim that it will tell me what my auto mechanic hopes I'll never find out, while also promising to reveal the secrets of the universe as shown in the secret writings of the ancient ones who really, really built the pyramids.
ANOTHER MIND-BLOWING TELL-ALL BOOK
Vince Johnson
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2005
VINCE'S JOURNAL
June 25, 2005
Here's looking at you Bogie.
HOME IMPROVEMENT
Went up on the roof to unplug the gutters and down spouts around my garage apartment. Finally. That is so typical of me. It quit raining a month ago so now when the gutters aren't needed, that's when I go up there to fix it. But heck, you wouldn't expect met to go up there in the rain, would you.
The ladder was real rickety so I had to be careful as hell, and it's too short so I couldn't get a flat angle for climbing up. Well, I don't mean to explain the universe to you, but when a ladder is too upright it keeps wanting to fall over backwards and you have to hug it close and bump your nose on the rungs. Typical of the kind of equipment I have to work with around here.
It was in the 80s today but reasonably cool down on the ground in the shade. But when I got up on the roof (it's flat), the composition roofing matrial was so hot I burned my hands and knees getting off the ladder and pulling myself up. I had to stand up quick.
Had to jam a hose down the spouts to get them unplugged. At least nwo I'm ready for the next rainy season.
GOLF
Any 79 year old grandma can hit a ball farther than I can. There is some trick to swinging the club that I have never been able to figure out.
Jack Nicklaus says, all you do is make your swing and let the ball get in the way. He says he keeps his hands passive and just swings the club down and out. What a load of bull. He's just not telling the secret.
Arnold Palmer used to say, just take the club straight back and then pull down with the left hand. Horse feathers! You ever see Arnie hit a golf ball? I will guarantee you he does not take the club straight back and then pull down with the left hand. At the age of 76 he still winds up and hits the the bejabbers out of the ball.
Tiger Wood's dad used to tell him to take the club back with the left shoulder. Look, Ma, no hands!
John Daly says, GRIP IT AND RIP IT!
Now there's some advice anybody can understand. Simple, you know? But that doesn't work for me either. What I want to know is, how do you swing a club so you don't top the ball, hit behind the ball, scuff it, sklaff it, shank it, whiff it?
GARDENING
The tomato plants are finally beginning to produce some baby little green marbles. Well, I should hope so, after we hauled in two truckloads of horse manure. a couple yards of sawdust, a few bucikets of ashes from blackberry bushes and oak tree limbs. And coffee grounds and banana peels. Can't for get those.
And do you know that if a compost pile is working right it generates heat? I could feel the heat from that pile when it was aging over the last year or so.
PETS
My sister's pug. Every morning that little mutt races over to my apartment, which is separate from the main house. Pug knows that she can always count on getting a snack from me, usually a hot dog. Pugs are natural clowns. Her favorite demonstration of joy at the prospect of food is to race around in circles until exhausted.
MAC TALK
Finally figured out how to post fotos to my blog.
MEDICAL DISASTERS
Hey, over the last couple weeks Ive gone on a weight lifting program. Trying to ward off osetoporosis. For barbells I use two 25-pound slugs of linotype metal, which I originallly intended to use for casting bullets for my .44 mag and the .45 ACP. Linotype metal is better than pure lead, because lead is too soft and messes up the lands and grooves of the barrel.
AND A FEW MORE WISE-ASS REMARKS
Hey, I got one of those portable steam cleaners. Works great in cleaning all the little nooks and crannies in the refrigerator. Great for the microwave too. Doesn't work as well on the stove as demonstrated on TV. Hard to get rid of the black stuff around the electric burners.
That's all, kids.
See you later
-------------------------
NOW HERE'S THE REAL REASON FOR MY JOURNAL
I PLAN TO GET RICH
It's not a complicated plan.
Just a simple little concept.
THE WHOLE IDEA IS TO GET YOU TO MAKE ME RICH!
GET IT?
See, to make me rich, all you have to do is:
1) Get on PayPal and
2) Email me five or ten bucks --->> vgjohnson@wizwire.com
Simple, isn't it? Yet so incredibly powerful!
And each day I'll report in my journal how much cash I've taken in.
That way you get in on the excitement too!
BTW, if you don't send me any money then at least email your flimsy excuse to: vgjohnson@wizwire.com
If I think your excuse is imaginative, showing deep thought, I may let it slide.
NOW HERE'S HOW MUCH CASH I'VE COLLECTED SO FAR ---->>: $00.00.
Nothing yet? What is happening?! This is unbelievable! I mean, come on, gang! Puhleeze! How tough can this be?
Now here's YOUR Payoff:
You Get to Read All the Exciting Stuff in My Daily Journal! (while thousands cheer).
Is that a deal or what?
Okay, let's get this thing rolling.
Don't be a slacker.
Vince
June 25, 2005
Here's looking at you Bogie.
HOME IMPROVEMENT
Went up on the roof to unplug the gutters and down spouts around my garage apartment. Finally. That is so typical of me. It quit raining a month ago so now when the gutters aren't needed, that's when I go up there to fix it. But heck, you wouldn't expect met to go up there in the rain, would you.
The ladder was real rickety so I had to be careful as hell, and it's too short so I couldn't get a flat angle for climbing up. Well, I don't mean to explain the universe to you, but when a ladder is too upright it keeps wanting to fall over backwards and you have to hug it close and bump your nose on the rungs. Typical of the kind of equipment I have to work with around here.
It was in the 80s today but reasonably cool down on the ground in the shade. But when I got up on the roof (it's flat), the composition roofing matrial was so hot I burned my hands and knees getting off the ladder and pulling myself up. I had to stand up quick.
Had to jam a hose down the spouts to get them unplugged. At least nwo I'm ready for the next rainy season.
GOLF
Any 79 year old grandma can hit a ball farther than I can. There is some trick to swinging the club that I have never been able to figure out.
Jack Nicklaus says, all you do is make your swing and let the ball get in the way. He says he keeps his hands passive and just swings the club down and out. What a load of bull. He's just not telling the secret.
Arnold Palmer used to say, just take the club straight back and then pull down with the left hand. Horse feathers! You ever see Arnie hit a golf ball? I will guarantee you he does not take the club straight back and then pull down with the left hand. At the age of 76 he still winds up and hits the the bejabbers out of the ball.
Tiger Wood's dad used to tell him to take the club back with the left shoulder. Look, Ma, no hands!
John Daly says, GRIP IT AND RIP IT!
Now there's some advice anybody can understand. Simple, you know? But that doesn't work for me either. What I want to know is, how do you swing a club so you don't top the ball, hit behind the ball, scuff it, sklaff it, shank it, whiff it?
GARDENING
The tomato plants are finally beginning to produce some baby little green marbles. Well, I should hope so, after we hauled in two truckloads of horse manure. a couple yards of sawdust, a few bucikets of ashes from blackberry bushes and oak tree limbs. And coffee grounds and banana peels. Can't for get those.
And do you know that if a compost pile is working right it generates heat? I could feel the heat from that pile when it was aging over the last year or so.
PETS
My sister's pug. Every morning that little mutt races over to my apartment, which is separate from the main house. Pug knows that she can always count on getting a snack from me, usually a hot dog. Pugs are natural clowns. Her favorite demonstration of joy at the prospect of food is to race around in circles until exhausted.
MAC TALK
Finally figured out how to post fotos to my blog.
MEDICAL DISASTERS
Hey, over the last couple weeks Ive gone on a weight lifting program. Trying to ward off osetoporosis. For barbells I use two 25-pound slugs of linotype metal, which I originallly intended to use for casting bullets for my .44 mag and the .45 ACP. Linotype metal is better than pure lead, because lead is too soft and messes up the lands and grooves of the barrel.
AND A FEW MORE WISE-ASS REMARKS
Hey, I got one of those portable steam cleaners. Works great in cleaning all the little nooks and crannies in the refrigerator. Great for the microwave too. Doesn't work as well on the stove as demonstrated on TV. Hard to get rid of the black stuff around the electric burners.
That's all, kids.
See you later
-------------------------
NOW HERE'S THE REAL REASON FOR MY JOURNAL
I PLAN TO GET RICH
It's not a complicated plan.
Just a simple little concept.
THE WHOLE IDEA IS TO GET YOU TO MAKE ME RICH!
GET IT?
See, to make me rich, all you have to do is:
1) Get on PayPal and
2) Email me five or ten bucks --->> vgjohnson@wizwire.com
Simple, isn't it? Yet so incredibly powerful!
And each day I'll report in my journal how much cash I've taken in.
That way you get in on the excitement too!
BTW, if you don't send me any money then at least email your flimsy excuse to: vgjohnson@wizwire.com
If I think your excuse is imaginative, showing deep thought, I may let it slide.
NOW HERE'S HOW MUCH CASH I'VE COLLECTED SO FAR ---->>: $00.00.
Nothing yet? What is happening?! This is unbelievable! I mean, come on, gang! Puhleeze! How tough can this be?
Now here's YOUR Payoff:
You Get to Read All the Exciting Stuff in My Daily Journal! (while thousands cheer).
Is that a deal or what?
Okay, let's get this thing rolling.
Don't be a slacker.
Vince
Friday, June 24, 2005
FAMOUS LINES FROM WESTERN MOVIES
The deathless quotes, below, are found at least once in every Western movie ever made. And I could always depend on them loafers in front of the saloon to make fun of the Kid's boots two, three times.
Course when they did that he always knocked 'em in the horse trough. They never learn.
Here goes some famous old lines of dialog.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
FIRST OLD TIMER: Say! I just seen that new ribbon clerk out in the alley strappin' on both guns!
SECOND OLD TIMER: You sure? Why, Ace Hanlon and his owlhoot gang will shoot that greenhorn to rags!
===============================
FIDDLEFOOT: I'm sorry Miss Simpson, but when my feet get to itchin' like this, I get a hankerin to find out what's on t'other side of the mountain, and I just plain got to light a shuck and go see.
MISS SIMPSON: Will you return to us one day, Clint? We all love you so, since you saved our old homestead and slapped the face of that filthy-minded yahoo who dared to swat me on the butt!
FIDDLEFOOT: Why shore, Miss Simpson. In five or ten years when my wanderin' days are over I'll prob'ly come driftin' back into town and bring you a pretty!
===============================
DIAMOND LIL (to Clint): You know what you are? Just trash -- a saddle tramp! I seen your kind in this high class establishment of mine a hundred times -- trail dust in your ears, a worn out six-gun on your hip, and six bits in your pocket. And now you wanta go upstairs with one of my girls? I don't think so!
===============================
TEXAS KID: One day, Miss Lily, folks will build a shining city out here in this wilderness. We'll have a school, a gen'ral store -- maybe even a billiard parlor! And decent men like me will be able to walk these streets unchallenged by every gunslinging young hellion who thinks he's quick on the draw!
MISS LILY: Oh Kid, I'm so afraid that one day a fast gun will show up quicker'n you. You'll be layin' out in the street all wrapped up in white linen, deader'n hell!
TEXAS KID: Don't you worry about that virtual impossibility!
===============================
KID VINCE: You go for that gun and I'll kill ya!
===============================
I'm sendin you home to your Mom in a box, Kid.
===============================
I tell ya, I only heard one shot --- like one long roar -- but when Black Bart went down kickin' in the dirt he had his gun in his hand and three holes in his Bull Durham tag. The Kid was fast, real fast!
===============================
Mr. Calhoun, I know you're a big important cattleman around these parts, but you tell your man there to quit trying to side-step his hoss around behind me or a couple of you are going down kickin' in the dirt real quick, and you'll be first!
===============================
QUIRT: Where am I? (groan!) How long I been layin here in this bed?
CLEMENTINE; Three days, Kid. Here, take a spoonful of this broth.
QUIRT: (Lifts the covers) Hey! Where's my boots? Who undressed me?
CLEMENTINE: There was no one else. I had to do it myself. I've lived alone in this cabin ever since Ace Hanlon and his gang killed my grandpap, set fire to the barn, shot my night horse, and dragged my clean chemise through the mud.
Boy those were some great lines, I tell ya!
Vince
The deathless quotes, below, are found at least once in every Western movie ever made. And I could always depend on them loafers in front of the saloon to make fun of the Kid's boots two, three times.
Course when they did that he always knocked 'em in the horse trough. They never learn.
Here goes some famous old lines of dialog.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
FIRST OLD TIMER: Say! I just seen that new ribbon clerk out in the alley strappin' on both guns!
SECOND OLD TIMER: You sure? Why, Ace Hanlon and his owlhoot gang will shoot that greenhorn to rags!
===============================
FIDDLEFOOT: I'm sorry Miss Simpson, but when my feet get to itchin' like this, I get a hankerin to find out what's on t'other side of the mountain, and I just plain got to light a shuck and go see.
MISS SIMPSON: Will you return to us one day, Clint? We all love you so, since you saved our old homestead and slapped the face of that filthy-minded yahoo who dared to swat me on the butt!
FIDDLEFOOT: Why shore, Miss Simpson. In five or ten years when my wanderin' days are over I'll prob'ly come driftin' back into town and bring you a pretty!
===============================
DIAMOND LIL (to Clint): You know what you are? Just trash -- a saddle tramp! I seen your kind in this high class establishment of mine a hundred times -- trail dust in your ears, a worn out six-gun on your hip, and six bits in your pocket. And now you wanta go upstairs with one of my girls? I don't think so!
===============================
TEXAS KID: One day, Miss Lily, folks will build a shining city out here in this wilderness. We'll have a school, a gen'ral store -- maybe even a billiard parlor! And decent men like me will be able to walk these streets unchallenged by every gunslinging young hellion who thinks he's quick on the draw!
MISS LILY: Oh Kid, I'm so afraid that one day a fast gun will show up quicker'n you. You'll be layin' out in the street all wrapped up in white linen, deader'n hell!
TEXAS KID: Don't you worry about that virtual impossibility!
===============================
KID VINCE: You go for that gun and I'll kill ya!
===============================
I'm sendin you home to your Mom in a box, Kid.
===============================
I tell ya, I only heard one shot --- like one long roar -- but when Black Bart went down kickin' in the dirt he had his gun in his hand and three holes in his Bull Durham tag. The Kid was fast, real fast!
===============================
Mr. Calhoun, I know you're a big important cattleman around these parts, but you tell your man there to quit trying to side-step his hoss around behind me or a couple of you are going down kickin' in the dirt real quick, and you'll be first!
===============================
QUIRT: Where am I? (groan!) How long I been layin here in this bed?
CLEMENTINE; Three days, Kid. Here, take a spoonful of this broth.
QUIRT: (Lifts the covers) Hey! Where's my boots? Who undressed me?
CLEMENTINE: There was no one else. I had to do it myself. I've lived alone in this cabin ever since Ace Hanlon and his gang killed my grandpap, set fire to the barn, shot my night horse, and dragged my clean chemise through the mud.
Boy those were some great lines, I tell ya!
Vince
Thursday, June 23, 2005
VINCE'S JOURNAL
20005
IF I WERE KING
The first thing I'd do is eliminate all the BS on TV commercials. For example, we've all seen the nonsensical ad exhorting us to get a high school diploma so that during our lifetime we can earn $200,000 more than some poor sap without a diploma.
But what good is a diploma when so many kids getting out of high school can't read or write? No amount of instruction on computer skills can make up for the inability to write plain English. It is just a fatal ignorance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
